the one about body-image and postpartum "fashion" {if-you-can-call-it-that}

Postpartum fashion. You stumble out of bed, throw on the now too-big maternity clothes that you lived in for your last trimester only to pick up a cute-as-pie but still crying baby, feed them, burp them, change them, and then soldier on in a delightful but exhausting haze of activity, naps, laundry, diapers, snuggles, and spit-up. If you’re miraculously able to manage a shower AND put on make-up in the same 24 hour period you feel worthy of a medal (and let’s be honest, they really should have medals for this).  For those of you new moms that manage this feat with a newborn AND a toddler - we new moms of one baby stand in awe of you. That said, once you get through the first two months of all-out life-altering craziness, you’re somehow supposed to start looking presentable again. And yet, if you’re anything like me, you looked in the mirror in Month 2 and felt like the woman starting at you in the reflection was nearly unrecognizable. But hey new mama, before you start browsing through Facebook pictures of your pre-baby self (guilty), just remember – YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A HUMAN. That is insane and amazing if you let yourself believe it. And maybe, just maybe, it's okay to give your body a little bit of grace. 

"mommy-camouflauge" in action

Before having a baby, I knew it would be challenging for me to accept that my body would be different for awhile…and maybe stay a little different forever – and oh.my.was.i.right. Body image has never been my strong suit. At times, I've thrown health out the window and been filled with self-loathing over my lack of self-control. Other times, I've obsessed to an unhealthy degree over calories and "points" and steps and kettlebells. Today, I'm trying to find balance and it's a whole new world of fighting to appreciate my body, take care of my body, give it time to find a new normal, and say no to at least a few chocolate chip cookies along the way. I feel like motherhood is one big lesson in “everything is different and you’ll be okay”. But thank goodness for babies who love us no matter what - and even appreciate a little squish - and for husbands that keep complimenting us through hormones and stretchy pants. And can we also thank God for the built-in mommy-camouflage of strategically holding cute babies in front of slowly-shrinking tummies?

Postpartum body image is challenging and every time we’re in the grocery store (shout-out to the moms who make it to the grocery store) we’re bombarded with headlines about so-and-so celebrity mom who lost her baby weight got her six pack back planking in the hospital and then there’s Princess Kate who walked out of the hospital in HEELS for-crying-out-loud and hello, then there’s me, who basically rolled out of the hospital in a wheel chair and greasy hair. Let’s just go ahead and agree that those fourth trimester unicorns who lose all of their weight by blinking and breastfeeding are RARE and possibly lying to the world. One of these days, the rest of us will get back to a number on the scale we feel comfortable with and a body shape we can live with. Maybe it will be different – correction, it WILL be different - but different is okay, remember?

I’m reminded of Psalm 139 – a scripture we predominantly associate with our babies in pregnancy:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

If God went to all that trouble knitting our babies together – don’t you think he spent some time knitting us and that womb of ours together too? Don’t you think that he knew what he was doing when he prepared us to give birth? I have to think that just as he was intimately involved in forming our babies – he was and is intimately involved in shaping the bodies that held those teeny little bodies too! And shame on me for undervaluing something that God knit together! This body never belonged to Rosie or I anyway – it is and always has been, God’s. And that little bit of truth makes all the difference for me.

So with that little tid-bit of post-baby-body perspective – what do we wear while in this beautifully in-between, function over fashion, constantly needing-to-nurse, and ever-evolving body stage?!Figuring out how to exclusively wear separates (for nursing reasons) has been a challenge I didn’t quite expect. I have come across a few staples and tips that are getting me through these days that I wanted to share with you! If you've followed my blog at all, you know that I'm a big believer in only buying things I can wear in multiple ways. I just don't have the budget for statement piece after statement piece. So prepare for a list of basics. Hopefully they give you some ideas of what to mix and match. *there is some sort of formatting snag so make sure to drag your arrow over the paragraphs to see ALL the links!*

1.       Go shopping. I know. It’s the last thing you want to do right now and it seems like a total waste of money. But having a little confidence is worth it. NONE of my shirts fit quite right after baby (to be quite honest, I'm four months in and they still don't!) and my maternity clothes were definitely not cutting it so I went out and bought a few shirts that I’ve worn non-stop for a few months. If you need to, sell some of your old clothes so you have some guilt-free spending money and closet space for the new items! I went through some of my winter clothing and decided to purge some sweaters and dresses that I just know that I won’t want to wear this season. And if I’m not going to wear them for a full year, what’s the point of keeping them??

2.       Tunic Tees. These tees are long enough and flattering with jeans or leggings. They are the perfect tunic length that you can wear at home or out of the house without compromising on modesty (yes please!!). I layer mine with cardigans, flannels, and basically everything I can think of. I love this shirt so much I have it in three colors (update, I bought a fourth while Christmas shopping the other day…I think I have a problem)! The best part? They are $9.99. For those of you preggos out there - I also wore them while pregnant! Another friend just sent me a link for these long-sleeved tunic shirts for $21 and they immediately went on my Christmas list! They sell these in virtually every color and I’m partial to the ¾ sleeve situation. I'm constantly in the market for long tops, tunics, etc that are an appropriate length with leggings. If you have any links, please send them my way! 

3.       Leggings. Since Rosie came on the scene, I've rediscovered the need for leggings. Between being constantly up and down on the floor with her for tummy time/diaper changes and a new stage of homebody-ness (and a sincere dislike for my old jeans), I've definitely needed a stretchy, easy, day-to-day option. My favorite pair is the Lou & Grey Essential Legging. They are just so soft and the perfect thickness! I also decided to bravely venture into the world of faux leather leggings. I know what you’re thinking: Yes, I’m basically Sandy from Grease (cue Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom…*wink*”). Jussst kidding. They’re leggings that like to party – and by “party” I mean, they complement my long tees for holiday church functions very nicely.

4.       Jogger jeans. So you’re sick of your maternity jeans but not ready to wiggle and streeeetch and suck your way into your skinny jeans – I give you, jogger drawstring denim! These were a lifesaver for me this summer and I am just as obsessed with them now (even as I’m able to get back into my other jeans). These are just so comfortable and the perfect transitional jean. They are also on sale! And they come in different colors/styles.

5.       Cozy + long cardigans. Again, I live in these. The need for comfort has never been more real and I’m convinced that one new cardigan a year will sustain my need for novelty through the never-ending Boston winter. With nursing, I’m also finding them even more essential. Here are a few I’m loving: this patterned just-right cocoon cardigan that I got on Black Friday for crazy cheap; this textured beauty that I spotted on Gap’s website (would loveee this number for Christmas), this cardi with the studs - I love its tough-girl vibe. Perfect for my cool-mom leggings, right?!

6.       New shoes! Okay so you don’t necessarily neeeeed these postpartum, but I bought myself a few pairs of shoes to reward myself post-baby because I felt like my clothing may not be as exciting as it used to be, but my feet can still be happy! I’m partial to the slip-on sneaker lately. I bought these slip-ons at Target and they are my absolute go-to’s for everyday right now. Also, my feet are slightly bigger than before?! I’m also mildly obsessed with these velvet beauties in “whipped pink” from LOFT…if someone can tell Santa aka my mom or my husband…. Also these!! Ballet flats kill my toes so give me all the smoking loafers puh-lease.

Thanks for joining me on this mildly embarrassing post-partum fashion journey. And please don't judge me if you see me wearing the same 6 pieces of clothing for the next two months. I know you won't though - judgement-free zone, right?!

xoxo

A + J

the one with the rejoicing

Well, here I am - finally emerging from a long (and needed) hiatus! So many things have happened since I lasted posted: we kissed summer goodbye, cherished this fall's extra bright foliage, welcomed lots of students into our campus ministry family, turned 29 (okay, that's as of today), endured countless doctor appointments, prayed and cried and prayed some more, and finally, and I mean finally, got pregnant!! I spent the majority of November and December in a state of delighted shock and happy-exhausted-nauseous-but-crazy-happy haze. As the reality of this little miracle sets in - it's hard to even begin to express all that my heart wants and needs to. I'm fairly certain that this post will turn into a series...so prepare yourselves...but also know that I won't be offended if you don't want to follow along. 

That said, today, I'm not really going to discuss the journey or the process or the heartbreak - I'm going to start at the end; I'm going to begin with the rejoicing. 

We found out we were pregnant earlier than we should have...mostly due to my own impatience. I caved and took a pregnancy test (much to my husband's very-wise and very-careful dismay). I day-dreamed of positive pregnancy tests and plus signs more times than I care to remember but there was never a time where we even came close to a positive. It was all stark-white pee sticks for us (sorry, TMI). The first positive brought equal parts shrieking (on my part) and cautious optimism (on J's). We were worried that it could be a false positive due to some medication I was taking so I sent a photo of the test to two friends who had experienced a similar infertility journey. Both texted me with so much enthusiasm I thought my iPhone might explode like a Galaxy Note. A teeny flame of hope began to light in my heart. 

The next morning, I woke up before the sun, heart racing, and took another test. Still. Positive. This flame started to become a full-on fire at this point. I told the only person sure to give me both an accurate - albeit emotional - response: my big sister. Let's just say that when she saw those pink lines - there was zero heart-guarding going on. All the tears, all the joy, all the shock, all the relief. Watching someone you love accept the news that you can't quite believe is the best, most surreal feeling I can describe. 

Two agonizing days (and an election) later, we went in for a blood test. Around noon, the nurse called with the results and we listened - stunned - as she told us what we longed to hear. 

"You're pregnant!" she said, with a huge smile in her voice. We thanked her profusely (through the tears), got off the phone, and Jesse and I just held each other weeping and asking each other if we believed it. I'm not quite sure if we did. We thanked God through the shock and basked in the miracle.

The next few days were filled with sharing the news with the prayer warriors who stuck by us through our darkest days. Seeing their eyes light up, tears stream down their faces, and all of the finally happy prayers -- humbled us in a way I can't describe. 

Romans 12:16 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." I think most of us know this verse by heart but I never saw it truly come alive until we faced infertility. Just like I day-dreamed of a positive pregnancy test and just as I still dream of this sweet, sweet baby -- I also dreamed of finally telling people that God heard their prayers on our behalf. I longed to see my faith and the faith of our community become sight. I had a feeling it would be special - but nothing could have prepared me for the outpouring of love Jesse and I received as we shared this news. 

When you wait as long and as publicly as we did, there are moments of so much exposure to the struggle and your own weaknesses, that you're tempted to wonder if it's worth it. However, yet again - God taught me that vulnerability breeds closeness like nothing else. So many of you (that I hardly know!) prayed for us, shed tears for us, and have since rejoiced with us. Each of you have built my faith in indescribable ways. Through you, I dared to believe that God sees me, that God hears me, and that God cares about what I care about. After all, if we as sinful humans can have so much compassion on one another - how much more does our Father in Heaven long to "satisfy our desires with good things" (Psalm 103:5)?

For those of you still waiting, still mourning, still longing - you may not realize it - but you have a community at your disposal who longs to be there for you. Many of you have waited longer and through more trying circumstances than I can begin to imagine - and I cannot and will not pretend to truly understand your pain - but I can promise that God sees you too, he loves you too, he cares about you just as fervently, fiercely, and fully as he cares about anyone else. I hope that the story of our answered prayer gives each of you hope. I long for the day when you too experience the gift of sharing your good news, only to see your own celebration reflected in your friend's eyes. 

Here's a little video I made of some of the responses I got to witness :) And there may be a little announcement at the end that's worth waiting for...

All our love and all of our gratitude, 

A+J 

Photos courtesy of Fergie Medar Photography

the one with the waiting

I hate waiting.

I mean, I HATE it. 

I hate waiting the two minutes for my coffee to brew and get into my cup. 

I hate waiting in lines at the grocery store. 

I hate waiting in traffic. 

I hate waiting for things I want.

I hate waiting for a baby.

Most people who read my blog probably know my big (ahem, skinny) sister. She's the real writer in the family - she effortlessly combines depth, story-telling, advice, and humor in the best kind of way. You also may know that she has four {beautiful, amazing, perfect} children -- and that before there were four, there was infertility. I watched my sister pray, fast, weep, persevere and everything in between during those trying years. 

I always feared that her struggle would become mine when I was ready to try for children. And here I am, relating in my own younger-sister kind of way. I haven't been trying for a really long time but I haven't been trying for a short time either. I'm not going to say exactly how long it's been because I'm sure there are people that have waited for less time / more time than I have who can relate to what I'm experiencing.

I'm consumed with waiting.

It's all I can think about right now. I want to say otherwise. I want to say that I'm fine, that I'm faithful, that I'm at peace, that I'm full of trust, joy, and all those qualities our Lord so perfectly embodies. But I don't feel that way right now. I feel far from that. I know that anxiety makes getting pregnant harder. But how on earth am I supposed to not be anxious right now? I know that this isn't a form of punishment and that I'm young and that Sarah had a baby when she was verging on...dead...but I was kind of hoping for something less difficult, less wrinkly.

I want to just bask in all that I do have - and I have SO much. I feel humbled by all that God's given me and I feel angry at myself for being consumed with waiting when God has done nothing but bestow mercy, blessing, grace, and love in my life. Who am I to question God's timing or God's plan? He's perfect and prayerfully, one day, with a baby in my arms, I'll look back and sigh all motherly and wise and say, "Wow, God's timing was perfect and so much better than mine."

But that's not what I feel right now.

When I was 14, I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and was baptized into his name. As a young teenager, I remember making him Lord of my doubts, my selfishness, my young-teen emotions. And I meant it. I surrendered and I gave him control of my hormone-ridden life. But really, at 14, I was making a decision to keep making Jesus Lord. At every age, at every stage. I re-made that decision at 15 when my parents moved me to a different state, a different high school, a different culture, a different church; again at 16 when a teenage boy broke my heart and I felt ugly and unlikeable; again in my early twenties when I was in college, dealing with a painful breakup, single and vowing to stay faithful even if marriage wasn't in the cards for me; again in Georgia, again in New York, and here I am again, vowing once more to make Jesus Lord of this circumstance. I'm reminded that I made Jesus Lord of my life at 14 - but really, I'm called to re-make that decision daily. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's difficult. But I find that the real test for me is fairly consistent - will Jesus be Lord of the waiting? Will Jesus remain my Lord, the director of my life, the controller of my decisions while I wait between the mountain-tops, the victories, the blessings?

I answered yes at 14, I'm answering yes at 27, and I promise to keep answering yes.

At every age, at every stage:
Jesus is Lord.