Thursday, October 8, 2015

the one with the waiting

I hate waiting.

I mean, I HATE it. 

I hate waiting the two minutes for my coffee to brew and get into my cup. 
I hate waiting in lines at the grocery store. 
I hate waiting in traffic. 
I hate waiting for things I want.

I hate waiting for a baby.

Most people who read my blog probably know my big (ahem, skinny) sister. She's the real writer in the family - she effortlessly combines depth, story-telling, advice, and humor in the best kind of way. You also may know that she has four {beautiful, amazing, perfect} children -- and that before there were four, there was infertility. I watched my sister pray, fast, weep, persevere and everything in between during those trying years. 

I always feared that her struggle would become mine when I was ready to try for children. And here I am, relating in my own younger-sister kind of way. I haven't been trying for a really long time but I haven't been trying for a short time either. I'm not going to say exactly how long it's been because I'm sure there are people that have waited for less time / more time than I have who can relate to what I'm experiencing.

I'm consumed with waiting.

It's all I can think about right now. I want to say otherwise. I want to say that I'm fine, that I'm faithful, that I'm at peace, that I'm full of trust, joy, and all those qualities our Lord so perfectly embodies. But I don't feel that way right now. I feel far from that. I know that anxiety makes getting pregnant harder. But how on earth am I supposed to not be anxious right now? I know that this isn't a form of punishment and that I'm young and that Sarah had a baby when she was verging on...dead...but I was kind of hoping for something less difficult, less wrinkly.

I want to just bask in all that I do have - and I have SO much. I feel humbled by all that God's given me and I feel angry at myself for being consumed with waiting when God has done nothing but bestow mercy, blessing, grace, and love in my life. Who am I to question God's timing or God's plan? He's perfect and prayerfully, one day, with a baby in my arms, I'll look back and sigh all motherly and wise and say, "Wow, God's timing was perfect and so much better than mine."

But that's not what I feel right now.

When I was 14, I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and was baptized into his name. As a young teenager, I remember making him Lord of my doubts, my selfishness, my young-teen emotions. And I meant it. I surrendered and I gave him control of my hormone-ridden life. But really, at 14, I was making a decision to keep making Jesus Lord. At every age, at every stage. I re-made that decision at 15 when my parents moved me to a different state, a different high school, a different culture, a different church; again at 16 when a teenage boy broke my heart and I felt ugly and unlikeable; again in my early twenties when I was in college, dealing with a painful breakup, single and vowing to stay faithful even if marriage wasn't in the cards for me; again in Georgia, again in New York, and here I am again, vowing once more to make Jesus Lord of this circumstance. I'm reminded that I made Jesus Lord of my life at 14 - but really, I'm called to re-make that decision daily. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's difficult. But I find that the real test for me is fairly consistent - will Jesus be Lord of the waiting? Will Jesus remain my Lord, the director of my life, the controller of my decisions while I wait between the mountain-tops, the victories, the blessings?

I answered yes at 14, I'm answering yes at 27, and I promise to keep answering yes.

At every age, at every stage:
Jesus is Lord.


  1. Wow, thank you sharing this. It takes courage to be so vulnerable in a public way. I'm on the other side of your waiting - it took almost 2 years, and was heartbreaking all throughout. I have yet to post about it on my blog, but it was such a pivotal point in my life and walk with God, learning to trust him throughout, that I really want/need to share the story. It was so hard watching friends have babies, sitting through baby showers, and being happy for them, but wondering if it would ever happen for me. I held onto Lamentations 3:22-24 during that time. I hope and pray that you will experience peace that passes understanding while you wait!

  2. I really appreciate your honestly and vulnerability in sharing this. I loved what you said at the end. I'm always trying to find ways to share my story that helps people understand that it wasn't who I was when I was 13 that has made me faithful through today but that through everything we go through its a constant decision to make Jesus lord. I'll definitely be praying. Love you so much - and know that there are so many of us who are so sick of waiting right along there with you!

  3. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I've been there....sick of waiting and more specifically, waiting for a baby. And like you there were times were I just did not enjoy the wait. At one point I felt like I could not plan another shower. However, with LOTS of prayer and some tears I came to a place where I found peace with whatever God was doing. As you shared in a previous post, remind yourself of all the good that God has done in your life and know that this too is God being good to you. **hugs**

  4. I'm so grateful for the way you share yourself, Alexandra. And I do trust God knows just the right time and will provide exactly what you need. I love you and will pray for your desires!

  5. Thank you for sharing this, Alexandra. Well-said and you are an example and inspiration to so many people, in so many included!